Troy, my rock, he is my sweet boy. I adore him. I am so thankful that he is my son. I don't tell many people this story but I want to share because I think Troy's life is testimony of God's plan and a story of strengthened faith.
Tony and I decided we wanted to try for another baby a little before Sophia's first birthday. At that point she had only had about four seizures and was still not yet diagnosed epileptic. At that point we hadn't even been sent to a specialist. Anywho, 8 months later, I found out I was pregnant. It's a time a mommy never forgets; I was actually on the phone and took a test which I figured was negative (I had taken a test every month and they had been negative for 8 months) not tonight!! I was trilled- We were so excited. A short lived excitment- later that night Sophi woke up about 2am crying, I went to her room and she was burning up. She had her 6th febrile seizure that night. It lasted a long time, she stopped breathing, she looked lifeless... Tony thought she was brain dead. She wasn't waking up. It took about 35 minutes before she was responsive; finally we were sent to a specialist. Newly pregnant and my baby was having MRIs, EEGs, blood work, all kinds of tests... seemed like test after test.. and more and more seizures. They mentioned a possible tumor in the inner most left portion of the brain, that consumed my thoughts until that test came negative. She a big seizure every 3-6 weeks for the first 7 months I was pregnant with Troy. This was a test of my faith. Why would God give me this; we didn't know if Sophi had a brain tumor or what, as parents you can't help but think the worst and I was pregnant. There were days that I didn't think I'd be able to care for another child. I questioned our decision to have another child. I questioned God for answering my prayers. I even asked God to take him away. I didn't think I would be able to care for him. I was afraid their would be something wrong with him. I was consumed with anxiety and I was ashamed to share with anyone. I was so destraught and full of guilt and saddness. I reached a point that I had no choice but to put all of my faith in Him, that He had a plan and His plan would be carried though despite what I wanted. Troy's life was in His hands. I wasn't in control and my anxieties were less, everyday that went by I prayed... I prayed for Sophi to be healthy, for Troy to be healthy, for happiness, for joy in my pregnancy, for God to heal my unfaithful heart, for Him to take my guilt. I was so guilty that for a moment in time I didn't want him, getting over that guilt and accepting that I am human and those are human thoughts was the hardest challenge. I love that boy more than life, it still gives me a lump in my throat to think there was a time I prayed for God to give him a different mommy. I didn't think I could be good enough for him. I didn't think I could give him the attention he deserved. I am so thankful that God loves us, even when we are blind.
When I went into labor with Troy I was shocked. He wasn't due for three and a half weeks. My mom had just gone out of town. Sophia and Tony had the stomach flu and Troy decided he was ready to come. Great timing son! While I was in the hospital all I could do was pray for a safe delivery. My unanswered prayers were haunting me... I didn't want God to answer those prayers. I wanted my baby. I wanted to hold him. When he was born he was gray, he was choking, the cord was around his neck, I thought my selfish prayer was happening. They took him away. Poor Tony, was so sick, he slept while I prayed and cried and prayed, four hours later they finally brought me my baby. He was perfect. He is perfect. Everything about him is perfect. I am so grateful for unanswered prayers. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who has a plan for our lives, for a faithful Father, for a Father who loves us despite our selfishness, for a Teacher, a patient, faithful Teacher.
My son, he is my joy. He is a testimony. His life. He will do great things. He already has.
Tony and I decided we wanted to try for another baby a little before Sophia's first birthday. At that point she had only had about four seizures and was still not yet diagnosed epileptic. At that point we hadn't even been sent to a specialist. Anywho, 8 months later, I found out I was pregnant. It's a time a mommy never forgets; I was actually on the phone and took a test which I figured was negative (I had taken a test every month and they had been negative for 8 months) not tonight!! I was trilled- We were so excited. A short lived excitment- later that night Sophi woke up about 2am crying, I went to her room and she was burning up. She had her 6th febrile seizure that night. It lasted a long time, she stopped breathing, she looked lifeless... Tony thought she was brain dead. She wasn't waking up. It took about 35 minutes before she was responsive; finally we were sent to a specialist. Newly pregnant and my baby was having MRIs, EEGs, blood work, all kinds of tests... seemed like test after test.. and more and more seizures. They mentioned a possible tumor in the inner most left portion of the brain, that consumed my thoughts until that test came negative. She a big seizure every 3-6 weeks for the first 7 months I was pregnant with Troy. This was a test of my faith. Why would God give me this; we didn't know if Sophi had a brain tumor or what, as parents you can't help but think the worst and I was pregnant. There were days that I didn't think I'd be able to care for another child. I questioned our decision to have another child. I questioned God for answering my prayers. I even asked God to take him away. I didn't think I would be able to care for him. I was afraid their would be something wrong with him. I was consumed with anxiety and I was ashamed to share with anyone. I was so destraught and full of guilt and saddness. I reached a point that I had no choice but to put all of my faith in Him, that He had a plan and His plan would be carried though despite what I wanted. Troy's life was in His hands. I wasn't in control and my anxieties were less, everyday that went by I prayed... I prayed for Sophi to be healthy, for Troy to be healthy, for happiness, for joy in my pregnancy, for God to heal my unfaithful heart, for Him to take my guilt. I was so guilty that for a moment in time I didn't want him, getting over that guilt and accepting that I am human and those are human thoughts was the hardest challenge. I love that boy more than life, it still gives me a lump in my throat to think there was a time I prayed for God to give him a different mommy. I didn't think I could be good enough for him. I didn't think I could give him the attention he deserved. I am so thankful that God loves us, even when we are blind.
When I went into labor with Troy I was shocked. He wasn't due for three and a half weeks. My mom had just gone out of town. Sophia and Tony had the stomach flu and Troy decided he was ready to come. Great timing son! While I was in the hospital all I could do was pray for a safe delivery. My unanswered prayers were haunting me... I didn't want God to answer those prayers. I wanted my baby. I wanted to hold him. When he was born he was gray, he was choking, the cord was around his neck, I thought my selfish prayer was happening. They took him away. Poor Tony, was so sick, he slept while I prayed and cried and prayed, four hours later they finally brought me my baby. He was perfect. He is perfect. Everything about him is perfect. I am so grateful for unanswered prayers. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who has a plan for our lives, for a faithful Father, for a Father who loves us despite our selfishness, for a Teacher, a patient, faithful Teacher.
My son, he is my joy. He is a testimony. His life. He will do great things. He already has.
What an unbelievable story! I am in tears so overwhelmed with joy that your little man is perfectly healthy and with you. Ugh, I can't believe the cord - what is it with the cord? Garrett was 3 weeks late, I labored so hard. He went into dire distress, I could hear his heart trying to stop and he was cut out of me in less than 2 minutes - his life giving cord was wrapped around his little neck, too. But, but, but, I also wasn't facing the unknown as you were. I can't fathom, can't even pretend to know what you went through with having so many unanswered questions about Sophia - and then here is the answered Prayer for another child! God was up to something good, though, wasn't He? As it's been said time and again, if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing such a personal journey. I love when people are able to just be so transparent and honest. I need a nap after reading that :) too many emotions all at once makes me sleepy!
Hugs & Blessings!