new

A new year is coming, I'm not one for New Year's Resolutions, but I do like to look back and contemplate the year that we are leaving and excite in the year ahead.

I always pray that I am better than before, growing as a Christian, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, stranger

I believe we should never stop growing, learning and exploring.

Looking forward I can feel Him leading us, as a family, we have answered His call and He is leading... and we are growing...

As I think about taking His path, I think back, back when we weren't following.

I don't like to look back on that time...

But then I recall why it is important to look back, so we can learn from what was and rejoice in what is...



I look back to remember what was, knowing where I have been, acknowledging the change and accepting the blessing.

We were so young, so bright, everything going our way...

our way, not His way, but He wasn't going to let us know just yet.

He was subtle, little pushes every now and then, He was calling we just weren't listening.

Life was "perfect", we bought our dream house, had a little girl and big plans to fill our home with lots of children, love and laughter.

Things were going great, we were busy making a family and creating memories... everything we thought we were supposed to do.



Our families were happy for us, proud even. Our friends loved spending time with us.

We went on vacations, hosted parties, went to extravagant dinners, we helped those less fortunate but never gave until it hurt.

It happened so quickly... so quickly that it hurt.

It was like the chaos after the earthquake, when everyone scrambles around trying to do what they think they need to do to survive.

There was very little keeping up with appearances, quickly it was over, every thing gone.

We moved three times in four months, we sold most everything we had to keep food on the table, keep the electric on and pay medical bills, there were days I wondered why God would do this, didn't He care about us?

That's the blessing in looking back...

He was calling, He was calling over and over again asking us nicely to answer, when we wouldn't He came banging on our door, He wanted us to grow, the growing pains hurt but eventually we would answer His calls.

We never went without, we always had food, when we lost all transportation we were blessed with a white van that has not failed us yet, minus a few hiccups. He was carrying us, meeting every need, yet at that point in our lives, we had to re-learn what needs were.

Our needs for shelter, food, family, healthcare, God... we never went without. It hurt sometimes but we never went without.

I never look back wishing we would have done things differently because everything we did helped us get to where we are now.

He leads, and though I sometimes fall, I fall at the feet of my Father, who picks me up lets me try again. He is always good, ever present, He wants good for me and good for me is to answer Him, follow Him, let Him lead.

When I was ready to walk away from everything I knew, He was there, providing us with mentors, no doubt these people were heaven sent from Him to bless us.

When we tired on our own, but couldn't afford medicine for our little one, He provided it for us, the pharmacist with a white mustache and a heart the size of Texas, I will never forget the blessing.

When we needed a stable place to stay, He provided, and humbled us at the same time, when our neighbor's rental house came available.

Time and time again He provided and He still does. Only now, our eyes are on Him and the evidence is clear, before it seemed by chance. Now we grow in Him...

And when we were ready for Him, He was there, with a place that was perfect for us and church family for us to grow with.

As time has gone by I realize how far I walked from the Father. I thought I was doing everything right.

I was a faithful wife, raising a beautiful baby girl, living in my dream home, opening my doors to guests, supporting charities and giving to those less fortunate, I wasn't a bad person I was just no different than the rest of them and He wants us to be different, as we grow we are supposed to be different.

It is shameful to remember that person, the one who ran when the problems got to big, the one who had to loose it all to learn what was really important... but so thankful that He is forgiving, merciful and no matter how rotten we are His love is constant and He does watch out for His children.

I never want to be content again, always growing in Him.

I don't share this because you must go through some life shattering event to find Him, it's just that as this year comes to close and we are picking up the pieces putting together a new life. I am just so thankful that He choose to break it all, to break me, so that I could find Him. He truly does want us to bring the brokenness to Him and He really does make it whole and good again. I would go through the growing pains again to be here today.

A new year, a new home, a new start... and this little house, in this little town, is far greater than the "dream house" we left behind three years ago.



Because this home was prayed for and unlike our "dream home" this was not by our will but His. This was for a reason, this is where we are supposed to be, this is where we are supposed to be to grow...

Tony said it best, "I feel God lead us here." Never before in our lives have we felt lead the way we are being lead now and it is because we are growing, ever growing in Him. And when we let go of our own desires and submit to Him great things can happen.

I can't wait to see what He has done this time next year.

most amazing book ever...

I read this book in about two days and I am certain my life will never be the same.

I just finished the last page all of five minutes ago and I'll I can say is.. amazing!

desires vs expectations

A desire is defined; a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment, an expressed wish; request.

An expectation is defined; the act or state of looking forward or anticipating, something expected; a thing looked forward to.

I hear them say the holiday wasn't what they expected, some say it was more... some say it was far less... some look back with thanksgiving... others look back with ill thoughts.

I thought about their expectations, some expected a holiday with family all around, yummy food, handmade ornaments, everyone beautifully dressed, lots of presents, photo worthy moments captured in perfect lighting, a morning at church worshiping the King of Kings, smiling facing, laughter and joy, togetherness and peace.

I learned a few years back how expectations can make us feel, how our expectations and the build up to receiving can often create a feeling of loss, or breaking even. When your expectations are met, that's just it, they are met, nothing more but breaking even to what you thought you should have received in the first place.

I have always tired to not let my desires become expectations, to be joyful in all circumstances, humble in the celebration, taking it all in and being peaceful in what is.

When we desire something we long for it, we imagine it but we don't expect it. We do not feel that it is something we deserve.

If my desire to have my children neatly dressed and on their best behavior during Christmas morning church service was an expectation I must say when Troy smeared his sausage and egg quiche all over his red Christmas vest and wiggled in my arms all church service it may very well have begun the destruction of my Christmas expectations...

If my desire to have a clean house that smelled like apple cinnamon candles when family arrived was an expectation; I would have been pretty downcast when wrapping paper, plastic clasps from new toys being unwrapped and the dog battling a tummy problem covered my living room floor and there was no time to look for the striker to light the candles.

When the dog pooped on the floor, my husband feel asleep on the couch, Troy's shirt had a stain on it, the weather was too warm for our long sleeved Christmas shirts and the kids pulled out more and more toys in the excitement of sharing their new things with family I caught myself letting my desires become expectations...

feeling annoyed that my husband was snoring and not helping me prepare, feeling upset that I couldn't make everything look perfect before family would arrive...

deep breath...

don't let the desires for this day become expectations...

Family is coming over... who cares if the muffin pan is dirty in the sink, the counters are cluttered with sugar, measuring cups and stirring spoons.

The kids are darling, happy and excited about the day... that was my desire... not that they can't wear their Christmas shirts... but that joyful noises are filling my home.

My husband, my snoring husband, worked all day Christmas Eve, woke up early to open presents with his children and insisted we all go to church Christmas day, he will be back to work early Monday morning to provide for us... my desire was to have him help me... and help he does, did and will do... so let him nap before family and friends arrive.

And my desire was to be together, and together we were...

I snuggle next to my man on the couch, let the kids play, scattering toys all over the living room floor so that no one could walk through the house, without stepping over a toy soldier, jar of playdoh, little stuffed dog or remote control car.

Because I didn't let my desires become expectations I found my desires fulfilled, my every wish for this Christmas Day... I didn't break even... I am blessed.

Dear one, don't let your desires become expectations, do not measure the day by expectations met, treasure each moment, the good and the bad... and watch your desires become reality.

Merry Christmas from the Martinez Family

Wonderful day spent with my family.



We were awoken bright an early by a little blonde headed girl with excitement in her eyes, anticipation of opening her presents and before the presents she says, "Happy Birthday Jesus, I can't wait to go to church but right now it is time... PRESENTS!"



The kids were beaming and their proud Poppa sat on the couch and watch them open their presents, I could tell he was soaking it all in. Enjoying watching them, soaking in their joy... and trying to wake up.



We had breakfast together and got ready for church.



The kids were excited to wear special clothes to celebrate the birth of our Lord.

New shoes, new dress, new pants, new vest, new tie, new stockings... the boys cut their hair the girls curled their locks... we all wanted to look our best to celebrate this special day.



Service was amazing, a sermon about gifts, the gifts we bring to God, to Jesus on a day that is for Him. Lives were touched, broken lives were laid at the feet of our Lord and hearts were given to Him and made whole. Tear filled eyes spoke of salvation and what Christmas is all about.



Family came to celebrate in the afternoon, the kids played and we ate more than we should.



It was a wonderful day. Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!!

thankful heart is a happy heart...

It is so easy for me to fall into the 'holiday blues' this time of year.

I don't know why it is, seems like since the death of my father in 2002 the holiday season just doesn't feel the same.

I catch myself every year, the same feeling...

We were all pretty sick the last few weeks and since it was all I could do some days just to sit on the couch and watch movies with my sick kids it felt easier than ever to let Satan invade my mind with sad and lonely thoughts.

I always go along with the motions of the holiday season, but this year more than ever between sickness, stresses of moving and just the general yuck in this dark world it was easier than ever to fall into that slump.

I heard my sweet boy the other day singing along with his Veggie Tales CD, "a thankful heart is a happy heart, I'm glad for what I have that's an easy place to start"

The weather may not be cool, my family may be out of town, I may be feeling overwhelmed facing a move just a few weeks after Christmas, the budget may be tight but... I can walk barefoot in the grass, feel the sunshine on my face, call my family on the phone, know they are all well and safe, rejoice in the blessings of starting over in our new home, find contentment in knowing that Christmas is not about how much or what is under the tree, rather the gift that is Jesus Christ.

Instead of focusing on the things that aren't "right" about this Christmas season I choose to focus on the reason we celebrate, the birth of our Lord. The gift of Jesus, salvation and light. Choose to focus on my husband, children, all that is good in my life.

As my focus changed... my mood changed... a thankful heart is a happy heart... and if you don't know where to start think Veggie... be glad for what you have that's an easy place to start.


Thank you God for sending messages once again through my little monsters, when I say they are a blessing I truly mean just that. :)

made with love

I am a sucker for all things homemade and upcycled... anything made with love...

tis the season for all things homemade!!

In the spirit of gift giving I think the extra thought, time and effort to create something special for loved ones is the icing on the cake.

Pinterest, the evil temptress that she is, has my crafting corner on overload this holiday season.

I saw something similar and figured this would be the perfect gift for one VIP this Christmas.



Oh and because I know this VIP is just like me and will put this dry erase board up and never use it because the marker will continually disappear I decided to attach a felt pocket on the back of the frame, perfect spot to keep the marker.

double teamed...

All day long I feel double teamed...

Both hungry at the same time,

one protests something, the other chimes right in...

I have two hands and they are full 100% of the day with two wild monsters.

While I feel double teamed from 7am to 7pm, when Daddy walks through the door my partner in crime fighting is here.

We are like Batman and Robyn

I have my right hand man

My extra hands to get through the night.

I love that I can depend on him, count on him...

Tony is not the kind of Daddy who comes home and disappears into his room.

I cannot imagine doing this alone.

So many mommies do it alone and I'm so thankful for the one who comes in and evens the playing field every night at 7 o'clock.

Love you Tony!!

4am post...

Sophia has never been a good sleeper.

When she was an infant we had epic sleep battles.

With her super strong will and her ability to function on 4-6 hours of sleep a night it's a wonder I got any rest when she was a baby.

I thought I had a pretty good grip on it around age 4, she was no were near sleeping through the night but she had learned that until the sun comes up we stay in our beds. With all of her health issues I totally understand that it may be hard for her to get to sleep, she may sleep intermittently throughout the night and any of you with children who have special needs you teach them to adapt to the most normal routine as possible and for us staying in bed till you see the sun is the best option. She used to read books quietly with a flash light, play with her toys in her bed, whatever, but she was quiet and respectful of the rest of us.

I have always found for whatever reason with my children, both of them, the bedtime power struggle is the area where the lines are drawn. If I let them stay up later than normal or allow them to get up after being put to bed something clicks in their little brains and they think they have the upper hand, they have won and the next day they think they are the one in control. I learned very early with these two that it is 100% a test of wills. Troy is pretty typical, bathroom, drink, the never ending prayer, I gotta poop, etc. Sophia takes it to a whole new level. I think special needs kids have this whole level of strong will that most people can't even imagine. A few nights ago she told me she needed to go to the hospital at 2am, she'd rather go to the hospital than sleep in her bed...

Recently Sophia has been switched to a number of different medications for her seizures, we are trying to find the best one for her... in the process I got pretty relaxed about her sleeping, she was having trouble sleeping, complaining of tummy aches and nervousness... the medicines can cause insomnia, stomach pains and anxiety... she didn't know that but I did and until we figured out which medicines were right for her I just felt more comfortable keeping a close eye, so I let her sleep in our room, I slept with her... there was no routine or power struggle whatever so ever, her need or want was she got it.

Fast forward 6 weeks later, we are switching medicines yet again, back to the original prescription that had worked well until she had a few breakthrough seizures. I'd rather have a breakthrough seizure every once and a while than deal with the side effects of these other drugs.

Well, the whole tummy ache thing has become a great excuse to get out of bed at this point. I can tell, for the most part, when my kids are faking it, every momma can, it's just that instinct. I'm always careful with Sophia because I know the medicines can cause some crazy side effects and I don't want push her too hard if it might be a real issue but tonight I knew 100% that she was not really sick, she'll make herself sick, gagging and all but she wasn't really sick.

So, at 1:30am I decided tonight was going to be a test of wills. Tony went to bed on standby knowing that he very well might be woke up for second shift if this power struggle went into the morning hours. Well, it's 4:12am and Tony has about 18 minutes before I'm going to sleep for a few hours and he'll be on bedtime patrol, before he'll have to get ready for work. For the last three and a half hours she gets up and I walk her back to bed and leave the room, over and over and over again. It's real insanity over here but eventually it will work. We may be up all night tonight but tomorrow night she will remember...

Some might ask why don't I just let her sleep with me? Why don't I just let down with her? Why don't I just spank her and make her stay in her bed?

Well, the same answer I give to anyone who asks me why I do things the way I do...

You aren't Sophi's mom. You don't know her needs like I do, you don't know her like I do. I do what I do because I am Sophi's mom.

I don't believe there is one way to parent. I have two children and I have two parenting styles that meet their specific needs.

I don't want her staying in bed because she is afraid she will be spanked. I don't want her thinking she can pull momma along like a bull with a ring in it's nose. I want her to stay up all night long if that's what it takes because tomorrow night she will remember I didn't get my way, it's not worth the fight again, I'll go pee and then get back to sleep or at least lay there till the sun is up. If not tomorrow night maybe the next night, but she will learn. It needs reinforced after 6 weeks of a free for all but she will figure it out.

I decided to pull out my computer and blog this because I was laying on the couch in the dark thinking about the good mother... the good mother doesn't take the easy way out. She digs her heels in and does what is best for her child even when it is the hard thing to do.

All good mothers can look back and say oh yes, I missed out on going here because they lost that privileged or I spent the afternoon being pestered because they were naughty and weren't allowed to go outside or lost tv time... when my good mother used to tell me 'this is harder on me than it is on you' I never understood...
Well, now I get it.
I totally understand.
I am so thankful for my good mother who taught me that what is right is not always easy.

Christmas Gift Idea

Every year my nephew is the one person on my list I just can't figure out. He is a teenager now and every year I am just at a loss as to what to get him.

I really hate giving money and gift cards to people for Christmas.

It seems so... impersonal... maybe? I dunno? I like receiving money and gift cards though, so it's not that it's a bad gift, just sometimes I guess it can seem like an afterthought.

But when a catchy poem and the right packaging...


The poem reads:
Ginger Bread Men with Yummy Icing,
are oh so good and extremely enticing.
I set out to make you a dozen or two,
but time ran out, so now what to do?
So instead of the cookies, I tied with a bow
your own personal serving of holiday dough.



So, what 15 year old boy wouldn't love a box of dough for Christmas??

I'm sure my nephew up in Tennessee will be thrilled to open this one.

And I have no guilt about sending him something that is tossed together last minute, as quickly as he will pull every dollar out of those bows, it probably took me five times longer to tie them. In fact, I bet that guy will have them spent quicker than it took me to tie them.

the good mothers...

and I hear her say, "I just want this time to pass by quickly"

I've said it before... no one said it was going to be easy but no one told me it would be so difficult. It's not all snuggles and bedtime stories. Sometimes it's screaming, loud screaming, at 4am... screaming that might wake the neighbors. Sometimes it's cheerios smashed into the carpet, sticky hands on clean windows... but hold onto it because you are right, it passes quickly, and when this time is over you will wish they were little again.

and I hear her say, "I watched her graduate from college today and all I could remember was bringing her home from the hospital"

I remember bringing mine home too. It wasn't all that long ago, but listening to this I realize it is a moment a mother cherishes, a story she never forgets. I remember holding them for the first time. I remember kissing their bald heads. Thinking they were the most perfect beings on this earth. Your job isn't over momma, she is a woman, but you are still her momma, our job is never over. Just as you remember that day, she remembers you, your smell, your voice, your hair, your touch.

Being a mother, being a good mother is no easy task.

It requires sacrifice, sacrifice of sleep, some days sacrifice of showering. It means you live for them, from tending their boo-boos to mending their broken hearts. Each stage in life is a new sacrifice and for the good mothers it goes by too quickly. It may not always be easy, beautiful or joyous, but these are the moments that make us, good mothers.

Too quickly come the moments...

from hearing their heartbeat, she prays all is healthy

their first steps, she is so excited watching them learn

the last time they let you rock them to sleep, just a kiss on the forehead will do

the day they tell you they don't need you to tuck them in... oh sweet one, you may not need me too, but I need me too

their first haircut, I cried as every curl hit the ground

the last time they need you to drive them to the store, she quietly went out and prayed over the steering wheel of his truck

the steps across the stage at graduation, she remembered the day bringing that baby in the pink blanket home from the hospital

It never ends, she watches them grow, loves them, keeps them, she is their safe place- always their mother, their good mother.

preparing for the move...

We are in the waiting period with the house. Waiting for the title company to finish all of their paperwork so we can close. It should be within the next week or so. Then we can start renovations and hopefully move in days after Christmas, hopefully... it will be a stretch because we have to be out of this house by December 31st.
So, while we wait I have been preparing for the move...
not by packing boxes or anything like that... but...
sharing a bathroom with the kids, not using the dishwasher and reorganizing things to take up much less space...
sounds crazy huh?

Well, the house does have two bathrooms but for now the master bathroom is a 1/2 bath, which means we will be sharing a bathroom with the kids. I wanted to prepare for this by moving my things and "practicing" sharing a shower with the kids. Crazy I know but I wanted to be prepared. I have to get used to cleaning out the bathtub of boats and barbies before I shower. Not to hard... check that off my list glad I'll be prepared.

Not using the dishwasher, in the new house I decided I would rather have an extra cabinet than a dishwasher. There is no pantry and the cabinet space is very limited anyway so I decided I could go without the dishwasher and keep the extra cabinet, yes it meant that much to me. So I decided to give it a go... no more dishwasher. Not hard actually I think I keep up with the dishes a lot better because I'm not waiting for a dishwasher load before doing the dishes. And check it off the list... totally prepared for that.

Reorganizing things to take up less space, this is very important because space is limited in the new house. I have never appreciated under-bed-storage containers like I do now. We donated a lot of toys this year for the Christmas toy drive at our church and the things we decided to keep I'd say everything has a place. Pretty exciting to know we are going to be able to make it all fit. Check!

In all of this preparation I realize just how silly it is to think we "need" so much. Yes a dishwasher and extra bathroom make things more convenient, but really not a "need"... it's been fun practicing and realizing what we don't need :)

Tony laughs at me every time I truck into the kids bathroom to take a shower but you know when he steps on a toy soldier when he gets into the shower at the new house, I will be prepared.

Enough about that... I'm completely exhausted... Good Night!