This morning was a great morning. I woke up, Sophia and I went to 'girls only breakfast' with my mom, sister, and some lady friends. After Sophia was with her Mimi there was no way she was going to leave and go to church with me. So, she went with my mom to her church. I went to Target and did some shopping since I had some time to kill before church started. I met Tony and Troy at church. We took Troy to the baby class and went to find some seats. While singing, I noticed the girl standing in front of me, she
made me think of my Sophia (in like 15 years). Most young, blond haired girls I see make me think of my of my little girl.. they make me think of the future. She was cute, wearing blue jeans (Sophi's favorite)... I watched her sing and worship and thought about my daughter, what she would be like as a young woman. We sat down and the girl sat and then fell to the side, falling onto the floor. Looked like she was having a mild seizure, convulsion of some sort, I really don't know. I wanted to run to her and react the way I would when Sophia had seizures. When Sophia has seizures I am very level headed, I almost detach from the emotional side of it and deal with the circumstance as it is happening. Afterward, I am able to be emotional but while it is happening I deal with it. I don't know what happened. While I watched this girl, I froze. I watched her eyes, brown eyes, fixated... no matter how many seizures I have seen or will see my daughter have, I never will get used to her eyes. That blank stare, that look of desperation in your child's eyes. If you have experienced you know what I mean, it is hard to explain. I saw that in this girl's eyes and in that moment she became my Sophia. My eyes went like a black tunnel and I felt like someone pushed me back. Then, I was sitting on the floor. I guess I blacked out for a moment. I don't think many people noticed, I hope they didn't... the attention needed to be on that girl and getting her the care she needed, not on my emotional meltdown. There are a few people at our church who are in the medical field, paramedics, firefighters, nurses, they were great with her. Comforting, kind, gentle, very sweet people. I watched as one of the guys held her head, seeing her blond hair on the ground put chills down my spine. Obviously, 911 was called and the girl was taken care of. I went outside to get some air, Tony followed me, I was so emotional. I couldn't gain composer, we didn't stay long after that. Tony got Troy and went to the grocery store before heading home. I drove over the the local hospital to see if they brought her in, I later found out they didn't transport her. I just wanted to check on her. I guess she was fine, I heard she was having fun in her pool later that day. I don't know her story, but I was glad to hear she was good and living life. Thank God! I stopped at the gas station and it took me 5 minutes to figure out how to pump the gas.. no lie, I looked at the machine for a good 4 minutes before seeing the 'enter' button. I felt like I was walking in a cloud. It was so silly- I kept thinking it was so silly... I was so emotional and my baby girl was having a blast swimming at Mimi's house and riding her pony. I drove home only to remember I didn't have a house key and Tony had gone to the grocery store. I guess I was still in that cloud of emotion. I had my ipod with me and it was playing Dream Big, I sat by the front door and cried. I couldn't gain control. The song ended and I played it again. The more I cried the better I felt. I walked out into the yard, comforting to feel the grass, the sun shining, there were so birds flying around the lake... I felt comfort while I cried sitting in the grass. I prayed for meaning... for understanding... I didn't understand why I was so emotional. I heard these words so clear...
I am allowing you to feel now, embrace these emotions
Thank you Lord, for giving me the opportunity to cry, when my baby is having seizures- I don't cry, there isn't time to get emotional, this was my chance.
Even though I didn't want to... I did. There was a reason we sat behind that girl, there was a reason I thought of Sophia, there was a reason that girl fell at my feet (literally), there was a reason I reacted so emotionally, I believe there was a reason I didn't have Sophia with me (if I had I would have kept it together), I believe there was a reason I got locked out of the house (I would probably be taking my emotions out on the dirty microwave instead of sitting in the grass and facing it). It was the perfect opportunity for me to be alone and be emotional.
I am one of those people who internalizes emotions, I am an emotional person and very compassionate but I do keep a lot inside, one reason this blog is such a form of therapy for me, it's things I wouldn't say- something I am working on. But- today I enjoyed it, it felt good. Once I was able to embrace it. I sat in the grass listened to music, watched the wind blow in the trees, I just was.
I do believe this day was God's plan. I believe that God is pleased with how I embraced my emotions, He was giving me a chance to be emotional.
OK, well, that's a bit too much 'emotion talk' for tonight... geez! :) I am going to sleep- all that crying wore me out!
Ugh...I'm in tears, again! I spent almost all weekend in tears and now again...
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you a great big hug. I'm sorry that happened, but at the same time, I'm not. It sounds like you really needed to get a good cry in and let yourself feel the emotions that surround you. I'm glad Tony and the kids weren't around, I understand the need for composure around husbands and kids. In reading your words, it feels like a huge weight was taken off your shoulders, and that's wonderful!
Easier said than done, try to start releasing the emotions as they come to you. You need to let yourself feel sorry - for you and for Sophi. You both endure a lot when she has a seizure and it's ok to let the tears flow when her moments have passed.
God gives you the clarity and the strength to be focused when you have to be. When it's someone else, I'm glad He gave you the nudge to release all of the pent-up emotions. It sounds like it was a very healthy release, Holly.
When I was in grade school, one of my classmates was epileptic. He had a seizure in the middle of geography, in the 6th grade. I'm still amazed at how most children are so kind and gentle - our teacher explained right as his seizure started on her way to hold his head from hitting the ground. All of us sat at our desks as to stay out of the way. When he came out of his "fog" (that's what she called it) he looked out of sorts. We all sat around him, petting him, comforting him as he sobbed. He was embarassed, but none of us could figure out why. We all understood that it was something that some people go through, and our job is to help them not hurt themselves when the seizure is violent. We had all learned that since the second grade when he came to school with us. Sean was the same as the rest of us, and he was our classmate and our friend - and no amount of seizures was ever going to change that!
My Sophia has had only one seizure. It was when her temp was at 104 as she was battling viral pnuemonia and RSV (which we didn't know yet!). I have never been so scared in my life. It felt like an eternity was passing in those few seconds of eyes darting back and forth and rolling backwards in her head and then the blank stare with no response to sounds or names or anything. And then the limp body and greyish color. I cried like a baby when it was done, I held her and cried. You are an amazingly strong woman.
You and Sophi are in my Prayers everyday. I hope and Pray that your precious princess will be completely cured of this, completely! She is a beautiful, strong, bright child - and I have no doubt she will overcome!
How awful that must have felt!! I am sorry for the girl and for you!
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you went home and were by yourself to feel that emotion. Sometims it is soo scary to feel emotion, but unless you face it and feel it, you will not get over it. I drive down the road sometimes and one of my favorite songs will come on the radio and you can feel it, when it is a really good song, in your soul. For just a few seconds I let every worry go and then I think to myslef, my son will never feel this. He will never hear a song and be able to enjoy it, he will never look over to those mountain and see the sun go down behind them. And finally, finally I thought, what am I thinking about. My son, will go to heaven (far to soon), but when he goes, he will hear beautiful music like we down here could never hear. He will not be looking up at the mountains but down at them and what a sight that must be!! He will be able to hear, see and do so many things!! I am glad that you took that time to feel things!!! I think that is the most important thing that we can do!!
I am glad that the girl was ok and you too!! As parents, those things shake us soo much, even when it is not our child!
Tami