doubts and the devil...

Lack of sleep does lead our thoughts to grow dark at times. The devil will use anything he can to fill our minds with doubt to cause us fear. Even taking advantage of a mother's lack of sleep, I am just going to say it, what a yellow bellied coward that devil is! Fear is not from the Lord. I keep reminding myself of that... fear is not from God. Repeating it over and over in my head.
You know, I have my strong moments and I have my weak ones. Most of the time I do just like Sophia says, "I am brave, because God is with me." I remember her saying this and I say it, most days this does the trick.
The unknowns are so difficult to deal with sometimes. Last night was a long night. I don't know if Sophia had a seizure and if I found her after or if maybe the medication made her disoriented and she was trying to wake up and couldn't... either way it was a long emotional night. She woke about 11:30am and was up and down until I finally brought her to my room at 1am, she was laying on my recliner saying her tummy hurt and her head hurt.. I just can't bear to leave her alone when she complains of this anymore. I sat on the floor next to the recliner, praying, and every time she moved I would look at her. She was laying there rubbing my arm and saying "do you know I love you mommy?" "don't worry about me mommy" "mommy are you scared"... she does this talk when she has had a seizure. It's like she can read right into your mind. I was sitting there in the dark in the quiet and she was revealing all of my thoughts to me. She is no doubt a gifted child. She finally feel asleep sometime around 330am, I brought a blow up mattress in my room and let her sleep on it. She doesn't like sleeping in the bed with Tony and I, part of her independence I guess. So this worked great. She was right under my nose while I slept but she still thought she was in her 'own' bed.
She was grinding her teeth so loud it woke up Tony.. I hate when she does this.
The night two weeks ago keeps playing in my head. I went to check on her and she told me "mommy, I'm ok my head still hurts come back and check on me in a little while" I said ok and then what did I do... I went to sleep! Then what happened... I woke up only to find her having the worst seizure yet. I get it, that I couldn't have known.. but if I had just gone back to check, or paid more attention to her ailments. I know better than to beat myself up over this but I do on some level feel guilty, like I've let her down.
So many uncertainties for her future. Sometimes I let those negative thoughts creep into my mind, especially when I haven't slept! ;) Hopefully at nap time everyone will sleep and I can lay down.
There are blessings on tough nights like this, Troy slept all night. Well until 6am, when he woke up and stood in his crib yelling "pooo pooo" I changed his diaper and he went right back to sleep.
Now, I have written my fear, my weakness, the parts that I try and block off.. and I am debating do I want to "publish post", part of me doesn't, but part of me feels I should. If for nothing else for me to remember..

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.John 14:27

And within my doubts maybe someone will benefit.

Don’t you be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness. -Isaiah 41:10

And then remember...

In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.- Ephesians 6:16